Tanya is a mom of 5, and has very kindly, bravely and honestly opened up to us in the latest MOTHERHOOD : UNEDITED feature. We’re very grateful to her, and hopefully this will help anyone who may be in a similar situation, or have similar emotions and feelings……
When I became a mother, I knew it would be a journey filled with joy, challenges, and self-discovery. What I didn’t anticipate was the deep, aching void left by the absence of my own mother—a void made more painful by the fact that I had no choice but to go no-contact with her. This wasn’t a decision made in haste or anger; it was a necessity for my well-being and the safety of my family. And while my mother has never tried to reconcile, I’ve found incredible support and love in other places—my wonderful father, my loving and supportive husband, and my mother-in-law, who has become like a surrogate mother to me.
As the mother of five children, my days are filled with the chaos, joy, and challenges that come with a busy household. Motherhood is often seen as a time when women draw closer to their own mothers, sharing in the joys and struggles of raising a family. For me, that connection was never there. The decision to go no-contact was the culmination of years of pain and dysfunction, and while I knew it was the right choice, it left me feeling isolated in ways I hadn’t anticipated.
In Ireland, the mother is often seen as the heart of the home, the glue that holds the family together. There’s a strong cultural expectation that the bond between a mother and daughter should be close, supportive, and unbreakable. This makes it incredibly difficult for others to understand why someone would have no relationship with their mother. People often can’t comprehend how a mother, who is supposed to be nurturing and loving, could be absent from her child’s life in such a fundamental way.
Because of this, I rarely share my situation with others unless I know them well. There’s an almost automatic judgment, a disbelief that a mother could be anything but central to her child’s life. By contrast, when someone says they have no relationship with their father, it’s met with less shock and more understanding. It’s more culturally accepted that a father might be distant or absent, but a mother’s absence is harder for people to grasp.
I am also acutely aware that my situation is very different from those whose mothers have passed away. I am extremely sensitive to the grief and loss that comes with losing a mother who was loved and cherished. I know that there are people who would give anything to have their mums back, to hear their voice, or to feel their comforting presence once more. I would never compare my experience to theirs, even though both situations involve the absence of a mother. The pain of losing a loving mother is immeasurable, and I hold deep respect and compassion for those who are navigating life without their mothers by their side.
In those early days of sleepless nights, constant worry, and juggling the needs of five children, I yearned for the kind of support that so many mothers naturally seek from their own mothers. I longed for someone to call when I wasn’t sure if my baby’s temperature was too high, when the exhaustion felt overwhelming, or when I just needed reassurance that I was doing okay. But that lifeline wasn’t available to me, and the loneliness was palpable. What made this isolation even more difficult was the realization that my mother had never reached out, never tried to make amends or bridge the gap. There was no phone call, no letter, no acknowledgment of the pain that led to our estrangement. It’s a heavy burden to
carry, knowing that the door to reconciliation remains firmly shut, not by my choice alone, but also by her silence.
Navigating motherhood without my own mother has brought with it a complex mix of emotions. Guilt is a constant companion, even though I know in my heart that I made the right decision. I worry about how this estrangement might affect my children, about the family stories they’ll never hear and the relationship they’ll never have. The guilt can be overwhelming, particularly when I see other families where the grandmother is an integral part of their lives.
Grief is another emotion that surfaces frequently. I grieve not just for the relationship we don’t have now, but for the relationship we never had. I grieve for the mother I wish I had, the one who would have been there to guide me, to celebrate with me, and to offer the unconditional love that every child deserves. This grief is compounded by the reality that my mother has never made any effort to reconnect, leaving me to mourn not just what was lost, but what was never possible.
But along with the guilt and grief, I’ve also found a growing sense of acceptance. I’ve learned that it’s okay to feel conflicted, to hold space for both the sadness of what’s missing and the strength I’ve gained from this experience. I’ve come to understand that my value as a mother isn’t diminished by the absence of my own mother’s support. In fact, it’s been in her absence that I’ve discovered just how resilient I can be.
Amidst the challenges and emotional complexities, I’ve been incredibly fortunate to have a strong support system in my life. My father has been a constant source of love and wisdom, always there with a kind word or helpful advice. His presence in my life has been a steady anchor, reminding me that family can take many forms and that I am never truly alone in this journey.
My husband has also been my rock through it all. His unwavering support and love have been a foundation upon which I’ve built our family. He’s not just my partner in parenting; he’s my confidant, my cheerleader, and the person who sees me through the darkest days. With five children to raise, our lives are often hectic, but his ability to step in, offer support, and share in the responsibilities has made all the difference. Together, we’ve created a loving home filled with laughter, even amidst the inevitable chaos.
In addition to my father and husband, my mother-in-law has become like a surrogate mother to me. From the beginning, she welcomed me into her family with open arms, offering the kind of unconditional support and love that I had always longed for. She’s been there to celebrate the highs and comfort me through the lows, and her presence in my life has been nothing short of a blessing. She’s the person I turn to when I need advice or just a listening ear, and her warmth has filled a void I didn’t think could ever be filled.
Her support has also helped to alleviate some of the guilt I’ve felt about not having my own mother in my life. Knowing that my children have a loving grandmother who adores them has brought me a sense of peace. I see in her the kind of mother I strive to be—one who is nurturing, present, and always ready to lend a hand. In many ways, she’s taught me what it means to be a good mother, and for that, I am endlessly grateful.
In the end, this journey has taught me that motherhood doesn’t have to follow a set script. My path is different, yes, but it’s also uniquely mine. I’ve learned to trust my own instincts, to be the kind of mother I wish I had, and to create a family environment that is loving, supportive, and safe.
While the absence of my mother will always be a part of my story, it doesn’t define my experience of motherhood. I’ve found strength in my ability to navigate this journey on my own terms, and I’ve learned to embrace the resilience that has come from facing these challenges head-on.
Motherhood, like life, is full of unexpected turns. And while my journey may not look like the one I once imagined, I’m learning to find beauty in the path I’m on, even with all its complexities. I’m becoming the mother I needed, the mother my children deserve, and with the support of my incredible father, husband, and mother-in-law, I’ve found a sense of family and belonging that I could only have dreamed of.
Thanks so much Tanya, your honesty and courage in sharing your story will no doubt help in ways you will never know. For anyone who wishes to connect with Tanya, you can follow her on Instagram HERE
*If this has brought up any difficult emotions and you feel you need some help with it, please reach out to someone. Whether it’s a friend, family, GP or agency. There is always someone to help and support and to be a listening ear.